I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
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Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
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She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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