The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just blew my weed a kiss
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
