Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
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I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
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Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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