Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
