i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
