she was so not down for the gang bang
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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