you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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