I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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