We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
