Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
