Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
