I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
