the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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