I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize