i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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