come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
