When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
