also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Randomize
