look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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