if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
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Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
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I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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