I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
