He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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