K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
