Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
