Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
