It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
