kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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