my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Two words: nipple clamps
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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