im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
