I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
