I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
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Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
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He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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