im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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