Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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