i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
