i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
