haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
