there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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