He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
