I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
so much tequila, so little girl.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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