Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
