Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
