I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
