I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
