My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
