he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Sorry about my life...
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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