my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
