Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
