Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize