I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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