You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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