I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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