consequently i now know what mace tastes like
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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