If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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