if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
